Choosing Happiness over Fear

When New Zealand went into level 4 lockdown, fear ran through my body. As many of you know, the last lockdown nearly broke me. Too much time with my thoughts led to memories and feelings that I had “successfully” hidden from for years, making themselves known. I was in such a dark space, and being alienated from my family and friends made it harder. Finally, my body & my mind decided it was time for me to face everything. With the help of a counsellor, I did just that. I wasn’t sure how I would handle another lockdown.

On some levels, I have changed so much since the last lockdown. I have so much more belief in myself. I like myself a hell of a lot more than I ever did. It took going to some dark places and looking deep within to try and heal myself. I used to consider myself broken and unlovable. The thing I realised, I was never broken or unlovable; I was just hurt and scared. That isn’t something that goes away overnight. I am still on the recovery journey. I still get triggered, but it is how I react that is different. I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to close myself off from life because I’m scared of being hurt. That doesn’t mean I’m not scared, but I now know that I am more than capable of picking myself up and learning from the pain instead of hiding from it.

I was due to have my police interview on 24^th August. Unfortunately, with Auckland being in Level 4, that couldn’t go ahead. I thought that might be the case, but I was devastated when I got the call confirming it. It was like a punch to the gut. To get as far as having the interview booked was a long time coming. The wait for it has been excruciating at times, full of unknowns and uncertainty, not knowing if it could happen or if I was on the wrong side of the world and would just have to let it go. Then I got the call saying it could happen. I was both relieved and full of fear. I’ve been so torn. One side of me knowing that I have to do it, the other side scared of going back to that night and having to relive it again and again. Even writing that sentence brings tears to my eyes, constricts my throat, and leaves me with a weight settling all over my body, threatening to drag me down. The fear of sitting in that room and being interviewed brings such strong physical reactions that it’s hard to compare it to ‘knowing’ I am doing the right thing. I wish more than anything that it wasn’t a choice I had to make, but years ago, I wasn’t given a choice. As hard as it will be and as physically ill as it’s probably going to make me, I have decided that I will regret not doing the interview and pressing charges more than I will ever regret doing it. When level four comes to an end, I will book another date and time; and who knows, maybe it won’t be as awful as I fear.

The difference between this lockdown and the last is that I am not living with the shame of someone else’s actions anymore. Instead, I am choosing to stand up for myself, something I wasn’t capable of at the time. This time it is all about writing, exercise and making the most of my time. I am the only person who can bring my life joy; I just have to let myself choose happiness over fear every day, even the bad ones.