Life is Too Short – So F**K It!

I am not entirely sure what this post will be about. A little of this, a little of that. An update and some of my random thoughts that I’d like to share with you all.

I have filed sexual assault/rape/assault by penetration (Delete as you see fit) charges in the UK against my attacker, for those that are wondering. I know that there is a strong likelihood that this will never make it to court. I have the added complication of being on the other side of the world when pressing the charges. Currently, I am waiting for the CPS: Crown Prosecution Service to decide if they’re willing to contact the NZ police to ask them to take my statement on behalf of the Met police. The CPS could determine that it’s not appropriate to ask them. They could say it is, and NZ police could say that they would rather not do it. If either of those outcomes happens, then it is back to square one. The Met would then have to organise to take my statement online somehow.

Assuming all the stars align and the CPS agree to contact NZ police, the NZ police agree to take my statement. That will only be the start of what could potentially be a very long and uncomfortable journey for me. If I am one of the lucky ones and it goes to court, I may be required to go back to the UK to give evidence. Right now, I don’t know if I can do it. I have given him so much of my life; I don’t know if I could put it on hold again, to fly to the other side of the world at my own expense, to sit in a court of law and face him. Knowing that history and statistics show that he is likely to walk away after I have been dragged through the mud and humiliated to prove that “it was a mistake”, Do I sound jaded? Maybe a lot. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I should not be the only one who has to live with the consequences of his actions.

There is nothing I can do at the moment other than wait to see what other people decide. Of course, I can spend my days worrying and torturing myself over the what-ifs, but there is no point worrying about something that hasn’t happened. Life is too short.

One thing I have come to realise over the past year is how much I have put my life on hold. I’ve hidden away, I’ve only allowed myself to be semi present in my own life. I’ve put things off, waiting for the perfect time to do them. The problem with that is there is no perfect time. Life is not perfect, it’s not meant to be. Life is just life. You are the only person that can live your life. I get to wake up each day and decide what I want to do. I can give that guy my number and see if anything happens. I can go surfing, I can go to the theatre, I can do everything that I love to do, everything that makes me happy. Or I can wait until everything is just right.

I can write the book I want to write when I have the time. The reality is, I can make the time if I want to. I can let the fear of not being good enough get in the way of doing what I really want to do, or I can say F**K IT and do it anyway. Who knows what life has in store for me? Who knows what will happen and when? I definitely don’t, but if I don’t start saying yes to more things, I will end up with a bucket full of regrets, and life is just too short for that kind of self-sabotaging shit.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to do life on my own forever. I have the best family and friends, and I love them with all my heart, and as great as they are, I’m human, and I want more. I want companionship, and I want the man in my life that I can travel the world with and share experiences with, that I can laugh with, that can hug me when I feel shit and tell me it’s all going to be OK. What I’m not willing to do anymore is put my life on hold while I wait to meet him. That’s just bloody boring and pointless, which is why last night I took myself to the theatre to watch The Lion King. It’s excellent, by the way. I loved every minute and would recommend it.

Sometimes in life. You’re going to be disappointed, and it’s not going to work out quite the way you expected or wanted, and that’s OK. That’s just life. What you do with that disappointment or hurt is up to you. I’ve started to learn from the shit things and see what else life has in store.

I’ll get off my soapbox now. I hope everyone is enjoying life. If you need to borrow a statement from me, I’d go with “Life’s too short, so F**K IT!” and see where that takes you, on to adventures new hopefully.