I Learned to Say Yes to Life

I’ve had quite a life-changing experience. My last blog post ended on the way to Fiji. I was only meant to be there for a few weeks, but life had other ideas. I changed my flights back to NZ twice, in order to jump on two other boats. One of those boats was Little Fish, the catamaran from Port Marsden. Richard, the captain had to change his plans and came to Savusavu, from there he was heading to Nadi. I was meant to fly to Nadi to head home. Instead, I asked if I could jump on his boat.

Richard had two new crew, the lovely Pete & Matt. Even though I was the one to ask, I still had to make the choice to either do it or stick to my original plan. The same fear and old stories, that played through my mind when I first embarked on this journey, still had a hold on me. I had rent to pay. As someone who is self-employed if I don’t work. I don’t make money. There was a big part of my mind that told me I should leave and get back to the life I knew. My heart told me to ignore the fear and do it anyway. In the end, I said yes, changed my flight and jumped aboard Little Fish. I am so glad I did. The crew were all a little older than me, but they taught me so much.

We had an incredible five days. Full of laughter and more stories. I have learned that to be on a boat you need some life stories. Luckily, I had one or two of my own to keep up with the boys. Although their stories were pretty good and not to be repeated.

One of my favourite moments in those five days was a shower. I know that sounds odd. But, boat showers are not proper showers. You only use enough water to get wet, turn the water off, scrub, turn the water on, rinse and stop. They last about 2 minutes. The other version is to jump in the ocean and rinse off on the back of the boat with fresh water, if you’re lucky, also about two minutes. Sometimes the water is hot, sometimes it’s not. We stopped at a resort called Voli Voli as Pete knew the owner, Steve. The amazing man opened up a room and said we could all shower. I was in there for a long time. I came out hugged Steve, and gave him the most heartfelt thank you of my life. It had been six weeks since I’d stood in a shower that didn’t move and had the luxury of allowing the water to flow over me. I was so grateful for something that I used to take for granted.

Richard taught me to say yes to things, even if I was scared. It started when he got us to jump off a moving boat, grab a rope and hold on for dear life as we were dragged behind it. I was so nervous as I stood at the back of the boat. I’d just watched Richard do it, but the fear was real. In the end, I jumped as he was mid-way through explaining a second time what I had to do. I knew if I was going to do it. The only way was feet first and soon. It was so much fun. The smile on my face as I got to the rope said it all. One of the first things I said was that Trevor (My old captain) would never let me do this. To be fair they do have different boats. Much harder to do on a monohull than on a catamaran.

Richard also got me to read Yes Man, by Danny Wallis. I decided that I wanted to follow that example. Not completely, as he said yes to everything. I’m too cynical for that. However, since my trip, I have learned to listen to my body & intuition. To see if the no I want to say is because of fear of change or scarcity or a hell no, this doesn’t feel right. There is a difference. Just as there is a difference between yeses. One is a I should do this, the other is a hell yes.

Sailing has the most incredible community. You meet people once, and somehow you are friends for life and you know it. I met a woman called Alice in Tonga, only briefly, but we clicked instantly. A few days before departing on Little Fish, we met up and spent the night chatting. Eventually, once we’d put the world to rights, she introduced me to her friends Del & Ryan who she was on the boat with plus Yuri & Kristian who were on another boat.

Kristian & I laughed a lot that night and kept in touch. I was given the opportunity to stay in Fiji for a little longer. I ignored the fear-based no that was coming up, took a breath listened to my intuition and said yes. I changed my flight again and flew back to Savusavu for one last adventure in the tropics. I am glad I did. I got to connect with some incredible people and cement friendships that will last a lifetime. On the first night back in Savusavu I got to meet up with my old captain Trev. Plus, I saw Justine and Pierre again and watched them sing karaoke. They were in their element and I loved every minute of seeing it. It was a beautiful random night.

Once we left Savusavu, our boat Schwimmdings met up with the boat that Alice was on, Dignity. We were meant to travel in tandem with them for the majority of my remaining time. The universe had other ideas. We had one evening with them before their autopilot gave up. As we were told about their issue, Kristian made a decision to go to an island called Naingani. Best decision ever. Kristian, Yuri & I had a stunning fire on the beach and enjoyed stick bread. Think smores but instead of marshmallows, you cook bread on a stick. I cannot put into words the beauty of this island and its people. We were welcomed with open arms and I got to experience my first kava ceremony, eat fresh papaya, drink fresh coconut water and snorkel in some of the clearest bluest waters I have ever seen. I have no doubt that I will be back there.

Eventually, Kristian & I headed to the Yasawas where I ended my trip. We snorkelled in the most beautiful reefs and met some more incredible people. Kristian taught me that my needs and wants were just as important as anyone else’s and that it was important for me to prioritise them, and love myself just a little bit more. For that, I will always be grateful. I had the option to stay, but in my heart, I knew it was my time to leave. I was ready to come back to New Zealand and start a new chapter.

I’m not entirely sure what this chapter will be about. For the first time, I don’t need to know. I’m just excited to live it.

If I am honest with myself. I lived in a world of fear and no’s for a long time. I could always find a reason to not do something. I would sit at home and wait for others to contact me, rather than contact them. I’d say no to doing things in case a job came in. Then I’d become scared that it wouldn’t and I’d be out of work and broke. I’d be happy if a certain person sent me a text, and sad if they didn’t. Desperate for their validation to prove that I was worth it.

If something good happened, I’d think this is too good to be true and wait for the other shoe to drop. I had no faith or trust in myself or other people. I’d hold on so tight to the outcomes I wanted, I closed myself off to other opportunities. More often than not, that other shoe would drop. It dropped because I gave my energy to fear, rather than joy.

As hard as it is to admit, there was a part of me that enjoyed living in that way, of being the victim of my past. It was the old story that I knew so well, that kept me safe for a long time. I wanted someone to prove me wrong and save me from my past just like they do in Disney movies because I didn’t feel like I was enough to save myself. The truth is I don’t need to be saved, I never did, I just didn’t know it.

It is not a way to live life. Not for me, not anymore. Every person I met on this trip taught me how to flow and be open to all opportunities and adventures. When things didn’t go the way we planned, we usually ended up doing something even better than any of us could have hoped for.

I’ve been back for nearly three weeks. My approach to life is different. I’ve had a few curve balls thrown at me as the universe tests my new outlook. I came close on one occasion, to letting my old thought pattern take over, but the next day everything became clear in my mind. I’m still learning. I hope I always am. I’ve been saying yes a hell of a lot more, and some really good things have started to appear in my life. For the first time, I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop. Instead, I’m excited. I know that whatever happens in life, I am going to be OK. I also know that one yes may just change my life, or lead me to another opportunity. One better, than I could ever imagine.

The Sunday Star Times picked up my last post, and I was asked if they could publish it. There was a part of me that wanted to say no. But, I realised I was just scared. So, I said yes. Now, I am officially a published writer. Something I’d wanted for a long time. This trip gave me that opportunity. Without the diagnosis of depression, I would never have taken this trip. When I reflect on the last few months I know that I started to say yes when I was at my darkest. I had every reason to say no, but the yes was so much louder. I am so glad for that yes, as it really was a yes that changed my life and me.